Sprechen Sie Deutsch?
by Robyn Hood
Summary: Evan needs help with his German homework, and he knows just who to ask!


" _Was ist deine Adresse_?" Evan spoke slowly into the microphone of his computer. He was met with a sad-sounding chime and a message prompting him to repeat the sentence. Sighing, he tried again. " _Was...ist...deine...Adresse_?"

The chime sounded again, this time with a message telling him that it was time to move on.

Evan groaned, ready to spear the stupid computer. He could think of a million and one things he could be doing right now if the program just told him he was wrong and let him move on instead of giving him three tries to correct his mistake. He'd take a lower grade on the homework assignment if he could just finish the dang thing!

A new sentence popped up on the screen for him to translate: ' _Wie alt bist du_?'

He stared at the screen. Was it 'how tall are you'?

Wrong, yet again.

He sighed, wishing this misery to end, when a miracle happened: Kurt walked into the kitchen to get a drink.

Evan brightened immediately. "Kurt! Hey, buddy, I'm having some trouble with my German homework. D'you think you can help?" Truth be told, he'd chosen to take the German class over Spanish simply because of Kurt's presence in his life. Free tutoring!

Kurt looked up from the fridge and pushed his bangs out of his face. "I don't know, Evan. I'm kind of swamped with geometry homework tonight, and-"

"I'll do your chores for you tonight."

"I already did them."

"Okay, how about tomorrow night?"

Kurt closed the refrigerator door. "I don't know. I have a test the day after tomorrow in English, and-"

"I'll do your chores for a week."

Kurt paused, mulling it over. Finally, he smiled. "Deal." Grabbing the jug of milk, he poured himself a glass and sat down next to Evan. " _Was ist los_ , _mein Freund_?" He gave a grin, a bit excited to have someone to speak German to, but Evan just gave him a look that said to stop that nonsense right now. Kurt's smile disappeared and he readjusted himself in his seat while clearing his throat. "Sorry. What's wrong?"

"What does this sentence mean?" Evan asked, pointing to the screen.

"How old are you."

Evan hastily typed the answer and grinned as it gave a perky little ding, along with a green message of ' _richtig_!'. "That means, 'right', right?" He asked, pointing to the green word.

"More like, 'correct', but yes, basically. We done?" Kurt asked with a smile.

"Naw, man! We got sixty more questions to do, but with you here, I know they'll fly by." Evan clicked on the arrow to move to the next question.

 _Wie geht's?_

"How's it going." Kurt sighed, dropping his cheek into his palm and propping himself up. He wasn't sure this was worth a week of chores.

After some twenty-odd questions, Kurt decided to go get his geometry and bring it down to work on while he helped Evan.

"You can't leave! I don't know if ' _Maedchen_ ' is der, das, or die!" Even exclaimed, grabbing Kurt's arm.

"First off, your pronunciation is terrible. Try saying the _c_ and the _h_ as separate letters. _Maedchen. Ch, ch_. See?" Kurt demonstrated.

"Dude, you got something in your throat?"

Kurt gave him a look. "Secondly, it is not 'durr', 'dass', or 'die', like the English. It is 'der', with the short _e_ sound; 'das', with a kind of 'ah' sound; and 'die', with a long _e_. In German, the reverse is true to what you know. When two vowels are together, the first stays silent and the second says its long sound."

Evan raised his eyebrows at Kurt like he was spouting crazy-talk.

"Come on. Surely you know the rule in English for two vowels together is just the opposite. The first says it's long sound and the second one is silent. That is why 'die' has a long _e_ in German and a long _i_ in English." Kurt tried.

Evan continued to stare.

"I'm going to get my geometry book." Kurt rolled his eyes.

"Wait! Which one is it?" Evan asked, grabbing Kurt's arm once again.

Kurt tried to be patient. "Evan, you know that if I do all your work for you, you won't learn anything."

"No way, man. That's not true. I just learned a ton right now, about German _and_ English, about the vowel rules and the pronunciation and stuff." Evan insisted.

Kurt sighed. "I'll be right back. But, for this question, try to think of the rule that goes along with the suffix - _chen_." With that, he teleported away.

"But I don't know the rule for the suffix - _chen_!" Evan cried before coughing as his lungs filled with sulfurous smoke.

Kurt was back in a second. "Did you figure it out?" He asked, opening his textbook.

Evan huffed and slumped in his seat. "No."

Kurt paused for a moment, then spoke. "- _Chen_ is a diminutive. You add it onto a word, and it makes it cute and tiny. It also makes a word neuter. So which article is it? _Der_ , _die_ , or _das_?"

Evan threw down his pencil. "I don't know, man!"

Kurt couldn't tell if Evan was intentionally pretending not to know just so he could make Kurt do all the work or if Evan really didn't know. "Which article is neuter?"

Evan gave him a disbelieving look. "I said I don't know."

Now, it was Kurt's turn to express disbelief. "Do you even listen in class?"

Evan shrugged. "I get bored. My mind wanders. Now, tell me which one. You don't want me to get a bad grade, do you?"

Kurt waited a moment before giving in. " _Das_. It's _das_. Do you even know what ' _das Maedchen_ ' is?"

"No," Evan offered a grin, "but I know it's cute and tiny!"

Kurt tried not to roll his eyes. "It means 'the girl'."

Evan frowned now. "What? Then why does it have a neuter...'the' in front of it?"

"Well, at least you know what ' _das_ ' means." Kurt muttered. "And it's called an article. Like in English, a, an, and the are the articles? _Der_ , _die_ , and _das_ are a few German articles."

"Whatever, man. That ain't on my test."

"But it might help you in English class when you have to diagram a sentence."

Evan thought about that for a minute, then grinned, giving Kurt a playful tap on the arm. "Yeah, maybe. Thanks, man. So why does 'girl' got a neuter article?"

Kurt dropped his face into his palm. " _Du lieber Himmel_ , I have a better grasp on English than you do."

"What?"

"It's...an expression. _Herr, wirf Hirn vom Himmel_ , _oder Steine, Hauptsache er trifft_." Kurt shook his head. "Anyway, ' _Maedchen_ ' is neuter because the suffix - _chen_ makes it so. You remember I told you that? Like, five minutes ago?" If that long.

"Oh, yeah." Evan smiled. "Makes sense. So what else was that you said? You better not be insulting me."

"Never." Kurt lied.

"Okay, now, say this sentence into the microphone."

Kurt sighed and leaned forward. " _Der Tisch ist gross._ "

"Dude! Did it really tell you to say something was gross?"

Kurt rolled his eyes. It was going to be a long night. "' _Gross'_ means 'big', Evan."

"Oh. So what's that _B_ thing?"

"It's called an Eszett. It's a double _s_."

"Oh," Evan laughed. "I thought you might be pronouncing it wrong."


End file.
